Potato.

I read another book. A Man Named Dave. By Dave Pelzer. What inspired me most was that the author never gave up and always made the best of what he had. What more is the respect he had for his parents. Especially his dad. Even though his father failed him he was able to forgive and respect his father. I've never really respected my father. Its always been disappointment. But I realised what I have in a father is so much more than what he had. I dont want to look back in the future and wished that I had treated my parents better.

Perfection or happiness has shifted. The bowl of life has been shaken and something has shifted once again. Foundational cracks are appearing again. Happiness last for about two weeks this time. I cant wait until everything falls into place again. When everything seems just right... balanced.

For the first two nights after receveing the news, I could not sleep well and my stomach has stress pains. This seems to overshadow the happiness of finding a new job and a new beginning. Now I am worried about my father and most of all my mother. Still trying to enjoy the holidays and not absorb all this like a sponge. My mind is like a sponge and absorb all the bad things around and all the worries. Even those of others.

The Girl Most Likely, book by Rebecca Sparrow.

People say that perfection doesnt exist. But it does.And achieving a perfect-looking life isnt hard. Perfection breezes in on a whim for all us and stays for a few hours, a day or two. Those moments when everything is just right. Perfect. The problem is that we convince ourselves that we can only be happy when perfection is around. And when it does show up, we expect it to stay. Unpack. Put up its feet and make itself at home. But it cant. Never does. And instead perfection drifts out when we are unpacking the groceries. Or reading the paper. And we havent noticed that its gone, until it is too late.Because it leaves no forwarding address, no tell-tale clues. Just the expectation that it will return. So we wait. Wait for perfection to call and let us know when it will be back. In the meantime, we move the pictures and rugs around, covering up those foundational cracks when they begin to appear. And they always appear. Eventually.

This is how I feel now -Completely happy...the blessing is being able to recognise perfection when it comes. Even though its only momentary.

Inbetween jobs. Thats the best time in life. When you just left the old job but haven't started the new one. Now I am free to do whatever I want everyday.

Still feel very happy and blessed. Especially for the family around me. Especially for Beloved. Sometimes when I look at him.. I am amazed that he is my husband. I guess when he looks at me...he feels amazed too.. probably amazed how he could marry this potato.

I would have liked a better nickname. But Beloved gave me Potato. Saying that I look like a potato, especially with all the dots on my face. See the romance oozing from our relationship. Hey Potato..he would say.

Beloved is the kind of guy...

that remembers to place an extra tissue box in the morning next to my bed, because my nose was running all night and I used up both tissue boxes in the room.

that at a dinner party would get up continually to close the door behind us, because I am cold.

that on long road trips, would select all the songs that I like to sing to, skipping over the ones I cannot sing to. Even though I sing like a donkey with a sore throat.

that would push his blanket over mine when I sneeze at night

that would call me Potato. Hey Potato...he would say.

Today I am very happy. Really Gods blessing..

A book by Joyce Meyer. Maybe God knew what I would be feeling right now and drew my attention to this book more than a month ago. In that book there is this one sentence.

Determination will get you farther than talent. So if you feel you lack in talent, take heart. All you need to win in life is more determination than anyone else you know.

 Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mothers womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wondefully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

The worse feeling beside guilt.. is the feeling of inadequacy.That you have failed in some way. When you have done something stupid before you catch yourself. When you have lost an opportunity. I did this today.

When I was brushing my teeth today.. Some realisation came to me. It seems amazing how someone knew me enough to create me. I am sure it is written somewhere that God knew me and formed me together. It reminds me of someone putting together a patterned quilt. But of course,,, with a little bit more detail and complexity than that. It also reminded me of the individuality of my parents and friends. Every person very special and very loved by someone. Funny how the most insightful things come to me when I am brusing my teeth.